dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
