our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize