whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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