I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
