New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
