Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
