i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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