He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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