im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
this hospital has no fireball
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
