PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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