Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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