Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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