It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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