never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
