you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
