I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
