I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
