Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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