I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
