It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
