can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
