you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
