Come see our sink grown plant.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
