I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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