I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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