theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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