Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
did i just pee glitter
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
