When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i already hear my dad disowning me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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