Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
