Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
