i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
