so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
