Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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