so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
