he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
