party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
