and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
