I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
