mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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