I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
