why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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