I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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