im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I still have a little drunk in my system
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
