Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
