my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
