You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
