This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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