You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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