theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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