Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
